Sad today…

Most days, I’m able to feel a sense of family from the extended biological family that I’ve found who’ve accepted me equally into the family, or from my friends who I love dearly as my own created family. I try and keep and keep a good attitude, because honestly I am lucky to have some phenomenal people in my life, people who have the biggest hearts, and are honest and loyal and all the other amazing traits that they posses.

There are a lot of days though where I feel adrift, kind of like a tumbleweed with no roots to attach to and not being able to find my home. Today is one of those days. Today is one of those days that I feel like if I just disappeared everyone who is in my life would assume that I was busy and would get in touch later. I could just disappear and no one would really know. (This is my fault because I’m horrible at keeping in touch!!)

This sense of being adrift comes from not feeling like I don’t have a true immediate family. For a brief period the summer before last I felt like I’d found my immediate family, and there was so much peace in that. Unfortunately, surrogacy is messy and complicated and there was some fallout due to people not really knowing how to interact with the surrogate, and feeling forced into a relationship where they’d always been told that surrogate children were meant for other families and not theirs.

It’s days like today where my heart hurts a bit more over a surrogacy agency, doctors, lawyers, and the rest of the adults involved not successfully making sure that this product they were creating would be o.k.. I really don’t have a full understanding of how rigorous of psychological testing the intended parents are put through, in the case of traditional surrogacies it’s only a ½ adoption. The intended father is also the biological father. It wouldn’t really benefit an agency to be thorough they’d lose the money they were going to make on the brokering of the product they are selling. The intended father, what was his motivation did he have a need to make sure he grew his family tree?  What about the adoptive mom, did she feel an obligation to go through with the surrogacy scenario because she had guilt about not being able to provide a child? For the most part I believe that the biological mom had good intents about starting a family, but there is always the nagging feeling in the background though that I wouldn’t have been brought into this world without the paycheck. Altruism only extends so far I suppose. Did all of these adults who were participating have a complete lack of awareness that there are a lot of issues that products of surrogacy are at risk for? I believe that for everyone involved had this surrogacy story worked out ideally we’d all be happy. However, it didn’t the one who truly has to deal with the fall out is the product.

Today is also one of those days where I can’t quite shake the feeling of being less then. Most days if that is a fleeting thought I can check myself and remind myself that we’re all just people getting through life the best way we know how, and hopefully learning lessons as we go. Today though it’s harder to believe that. Today is a day where I see that my bio-dad and adopted mother’s wants were more important than my needs. Today is a day where I feel the sting that I’m less then to my birth mother. I understand that I wasn’t created to be your child, but how is there that divide for you? I know there is no obligation for anything towards me, there were contracts signed and honored, and I wasn’t intended for you, but how do you deny your own flesh and blood? For me, I see that I have your height, your sense of humor, your hair/ eye color among other things. I don’t have the luxury of ever having seen myself reflected back from family before, maybe it’s something you can just take for granted b/c you have always had that around you. But how do I not feel like yours after all the similarities and the carrying for nine months? It does make me feel less then, In my childhood home I my needs were not considered, that taught me that I didn’t have the right to my feelings. Now that I have found my birth mom, I feel less then her children that she planned to have for herself. I waiver back and forth between feeling guilty that I do want things from her when I know she’s not obligated to me, and just feeling so rejected and alone that I’m not seen as worthy of those things.

The part to me that is truly sad though, there are more of us products speaking up now that we’re not happy with how we came into the world, and all I see when I scour google, facebook, youtube etc are surrogacy agencies advertising their services to families. Where are the resources and communities for us products of surrogacy?

I’m sad today, but that’s o.k. it’s bed time and I’m sure after I get some sleep I’ll be able to hit the world with a better attitude tomorrow. No, if I'm being really honest with myself... I'm saying I'll have a better attitude in the morning b/c that's what we're supposed to to do.. pick ourselves up by the bootstraps. Life is challenging for everyone we have our own crosses to bear, but I still don't understand intentionally putting children in the world with a high potential of dealing with these burdens.

Maybe one day i'll be married, and start my own family and i'll know what the feeling of being in a immediate family truly is like, not just the glimpses I've gotten throughout my lives.

What about the Children?

Anonymous Father's Day Official Trailer

The Cinderella Effect

 Up until tonight my only contact with other products of donations like myself has exclusively been through watching documentaries, reading blogs etc., all forms were exclusively online. Tonight I got to talk to someone who is a product of sperm donation. It took 29 years, but now I feel less isolated, there is someone who I can talk to who has walked in my shoes. I confided in her that I have a history with my adopted mom and biological father of physical, and mental abuse. I shared with her that I didn’t want to share this part of my story because I didn’t want people to have the ability to say that my thoughts and feelings toward these reproductive techniques were solely due to my abuse, that my story was a one in a million possibility for their families if they chose to pursue sperm/egg donation, or surrogacy. She shared with me that this is a crucial part of the story that it’s being proven that children who are not raised with their biological children have a higher statistic for abuse. I was floored! When you think about this it does make sense just in observations typically don’t you see mom’s in the family having more patience with their children’s antics then babysitters or the other adults in their l

The more research I am doing about adoption issues, (which are relevant to children conceived via modern technologies) the more shocking information I find.

I feel that this piece of information is an extremely powerful reason why we should not be bringing more children into this world in this manner!

 I’m including the links to some articles which explain “the Cinderella Effect” more clearly then I ever could.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinderella_effect

http://www.cep.ucsb.edu/buller/cinderella%20effect%20facts.pdf

Links to interesting articles

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/25/nyregion/in-surrogacy-case-nj-supreme-court-is-deadlocked-over-whom-to-call-mom.html?smid=pl-share

This subject for the link is within

http://anonymousus.org

Here is the mission statement from the website:
The Anonymous Us Project is a safety zone for real and honest opinions about reproductive technologies and family fragmentation. We aim to share the experiences of voluntary and involuntary participants in these technologies, while preserving the dignity and privacy for story-tellers and their loved ones.
We honor and are forever thankful for the courageous minds among the donor-conceived who have worked tirelessly before us for justice and education on the ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) family experience. We hold these story-tellers, educators and leaders in high esteem and are forever grateful for all of the sacrifices they have made to improve family policy and thus quality of life for all parties. We also acknowledge that many members of the ART community have serious opinions and experiences regarding their family structure that they'd like to add to the discussion, but feel they cannot because of a need for privacy.This project gives them an opportunity to be heard without having to reveal their identity and potentially hurt their loved ones. Though anonymity in reproduction hides the truth, anonymity in story-telling will help reveal it.
We hope that The Anonymous Us Project will fill out the conversation on reproductive technologies. We hope it will inspire more truth and transparency. We hope it will help shape healthier families and happier people.

http://www.cnn.com/2013/01/04/us/kansas-sperm-donation/index.html

A case where a person who intended to be solely a donor, is now being sued for child support.

http://www.cbc-network.org/issues/making-life/surrogacy/

This link is to a non-profit group who looks at all bio-ethical issues. In surrogacy, and sperm/ egg donation world this group is a great voice for the products from these conceptions.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/jun/05/india-surrogates-impoverished-die

This is an article about how foreign surrogates are treated. In the quest to be able to go through the surrogacy process more cheaply women who are living in poverty are putting their lives on the line. 

http://sonofasurrogate.tripod.com/

This is a blog written by another product of traditional product of surrogacy like myself. His blog was the first connection I had to another person like myself. 

Walking the line of emotion

For myself until recently it has been hard for me to communicate honestly about how I feel towards surrogacy. Those of us who are products of donor conception typically care about the adults who were involved in our conception. This creates a natural gag, that makes you nervous to be too vocal about any opinion that might be hurtful.

For myself I always felt a bit like a product that a group of people came together to put into the world. I have felt a bit like I’ve had no voice or say so about this ride called life. The process of putting my opinion out there has been one that has made me feel a bit more empowered. I hope to be able to show people who are looking to start their families that there are pitfalls to egg/sperm donations and surrogacies that they may not even be able to imagine.

Although it’s been helpful to be beginning to put this opinion out here, I still fear that my birth mom may take offense to this process that I need to go through. So I want to be clear that I have no ill will towards her, or most of the people who get involved in this process. I was one of the earlier products of surrogacy, there definitely wasn’t information out at that time that the children of these arrangements weren’t always happy with their situations. I don’t think that anyone realized that children would fight a lot of the same issues that traditionally adopted children do.

Recently, I took part in filming for a documentary about surrogacy. When I sat down with Jennifer Lahl (the director/ producer) I expressed my two concerns. First being that I didn’t want to put anything out there that would seem critical of my birth mom or hurtful towards her. The second one was that I wanted to be able to articulately express my view point, to be able to be effective with what I was trying to communicate. Jennifer Lahl has done some previous documentaries such as “Anonymous Father’s Day”, and “Eggsploitation”. She says when she speaks to people who have been involved with sperm/egg donation and surrogacies (both the products of and donors) they have always had a concern about hurting someone. That they also have censored themselves to some extent.

I am attempting to walk the line where I don’t hurt anyone that I care about, but I feel that this information is very important to put out there because in putting this message out there maybe future children and families can be spared unnecessary turmoil. Maybe if we’re really lucky adults who have struggled with starting a family even after they get one could come together to force adoption reform! To me this would be ideal. 

The commodification of babies

This is one of the touchiest parts of surrogacy. From most of the surrogacy boards that I’ve perused it’s an offensive notion to the surrogates that they would participate in bringing these children into the world for no compensation. I can see both sides of the coins, for women who donate eggs, their womb or both they are putting their health, lives, and heart on the line and that does seem to warrant compensation of some sort. On the other side of it those of us who were conceived via these modern techniques, there is a sense of being a commodity. We wouldn’t be here on this world if it wasn’t for the lawyers, doctors, and donors getting financially compensated.

As a product of surrogacy or sperm donation it’s not even considered a reasonable expectation that donor records are kept. If a child is adopted through a traditional adoption, it’s considered reasonable that they might want to find their biological parents to better understand themselves and find out the story as to why they were given up. Children of donation also have a lot of the same questions. I have to admit before I found my birth mom I wondered why she would have wanted to participate in surrogacy, did she need the money, what this something she felt called to do? I imagined what she looked like, did I resemble her. Due the fact that we’re created specifically to be families for other families

There have been people who’ve donated eggs who ran into health issues, who later wanted to let the agencies that they participated with know that they were at risk. They found out that there were no records to say whether or not the egg donations led to a child being born, because their donor records weren’t kept. They had no way of imparting potentially important medical information.

When you look at ads for egg donors, surrogates etc, they’re always interested in compensating people who are attractive, and intelligent the most. Not only do we get the chance to create our own children if we have even more finances we can cherry pick the most desirable traits. That aspect takes away from it being just a simple joy of bringing a child into the world. Also typically these means are only available to people who have more finances. To me personally, having the most money isn’t the most important factor in being able to parent a child.

I also believe that without the financial incentives most sperm/ egg donors, and surrogates wouldn’t participate. This all feels very cold, and very much in the best interest of the adults involved.

I wonder on occasion if people were not allowed to financially gain from these donations, if there would be more of an effort to keep in touch with the children conceived. I wonder if there would need to be a higher level of trust in the parents to be to ensure that the children are going to be in a safe, loving, nurturing environment. The way it is now you can think the doctors will run the psychological tests, there may be a home check, or we wouldn’t be here talking about donation if the prospective e parents hadn’t been cleared yet. However, I personally don’t believe it would benefit these agencies to do a thorough background check, they would be out the money if they turned families away, and if there were ever an issue with abuse or anything like that the agency isn’t really at risk of a spotlight getting turned on them, and questioning why assisted these parents in having a child. The child typically is at least ½ way related to the family that their living with. In traditional adoptions it appears that the motivation to make sure that the children are being places in happy homes appears to be higher. They would get a spotlight turned on them if they put children into dangerous homes.

There are surrogacies that take place for no financial gain, those are termed compassionate surrogacies. Typically people will do these for close friends, or family. I believe that a product of that type of conception probably would at least know they were really wanted in the world just for being themselves, not for what anyone could gain monetarily out of the situation. But what is a good answer? Is the feeling of being a commodity to prospective children o.k.? Or is it fair to say that the women who put their health on the line that they should only participate if they’re not looking to gain financially from it. I find in general the adults come first in all these considerations. If we’re bringing the children into the world why are they being considered last consistently?