Quote from the "Son of a Surrogate" Blog

Quote from the "Son of a Surrogate" Blog

It looks to me like I was bought and sold. You can dress it up with as many pretty words as you want. You can wrap it up in a silk freaking scarf. You can pretend these are not your children. You can say it is a gift or you donated your egg to the IM. But the fact is that someone has contracted you to make a child, give up your parental rights and hand over your flesh and blood child. I dont care if you think I am not your child, what about what I think! Maybe I know I am your child.When you exchange something for money it is called a commodity.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Sad today…



Most days, I’m able to feel a sense of family from the extended biological family that I’ve found who’ve accepted me equally into the family, or from my friends who I love dearly as my own created family. I try and keep and keep a good attitude, because honestly I am lucky to have some phenomenal people in my life, people who have the biggest hearts, and are honest and loyal and all the other amazing traits that they posses.

There are a lot of days though where I feel adrift, kind of like a tumbleweed with no roots to attach to and not being able to find my home. Today is one of those days. Today is one of those days that I feel like if I just disappeared everyone who is in my life would assume that I was busy and would get in touch later. I could just disappear and no one would really know. (This is my fault because I’m horrible at keeping in touch!!)

This sense of being adrift comes from not feeling like I don’t have a true immediate family. For a brief period the summer before last I felt like I’d found my immediate family, and there was so much peace in that. Unfortunately, surrogacy is messy and complicated and there was some fallout due to people not really knowing how to interact with the surrogate, and feeling forced into a relationship where they’d always been told that surrogate children were meant for other families and not theirs.

It’s days like today where my heart hurts a bit more over a surrogacy agency, doctors, lawyers, and the rest of the adults involved not successfully making sure that this product they were creating would be o.k.. I really don’t have a full understanding of how rigorous of psychological testing the intended parents are put through, in the case of traditional surrogacies it’s only a ½ adoption. The intended father is also the biological father. It wouldn’t really benefit an agency to be thorough they’d lose the money they were going to make on the brokering of the product they are selling. The intended father, what was his motivation did he have a need to make sure he grew his family tree?  What about the adoptive mom, did she feel an obligation to go through with the surrogacy scenario because she had guilt about not being able to provide a child? For the most part I believe that the biological mom had good intents about starting a family, but there is always the nagging feeling in the background though that I wouldn’t have been brought into this world without the paycheck. Altruism only extends so far I suppose. Did all of these adults who were participating have a complete lack of awareness that there are a lot of issues that products of surrogacy are at risk for? I believe that for everyone involved had this surrogacy story worked out ideally we’d all be happy. However, it didn’t the one who truly has to deal with the fall out is the product.

Today is also one of those days where I can’t quite shake the feeling of being less then. Most days if that is a fleeting thought I can check myself and remind myself that we’re all just people getting through life the best way we know how, and hopefully learning lessons as we go. Today though it’s harder to believe that. Today is a day where I see that my bio-dad and adopted mother’s wants were more important than my needs. Today is a day where I feel the sting that I’m less then to my birth mother. I understand that I wasn’t created to be your child, but how is there that divide for you? I know there is no obligation for anything towards me, there were contracts signed and honored, and I wasn’t intended for you, but how do you deny your own flesh and blood? For me, I see that I have your height, your sense of humor, your hair/ eye color among other things. I don’t have the luxury of ever having seen myself reflected back from family before, maybe it’s something you can just take for granted b/c you have always had that around you. But how do I not feel like yours after all the similarities and the carrying for nine months? It does make me feel less then, In my childhood home I my needs were not considered, that taught me that I didn’t have the right to my feelings. Now that I have found my birth mom, I feel less then her children that she planned to have for herself. I waiver back and forth between feeling guilty that I do want things from her when I know she’s not obligated to me, and just feeling so rejected and alone that I’m not seen as worthy of those things.

The part to me that is truly sad though, there are more of us products speaking up now that we’re not happy with how we came into the world, and all I see when I scour google, facebook, youtube etc are surrogacy agencies advertising their services to families. Where are the resources and communities for us products of surrogacy?

I’m sad today, but that’s o.k. it’s bed time and I’m sure after I get some sleep I’ll be able to hit the world with a better attitude tomorrow. No, if I'm being really honest with myself... I'm saying I'll have a better attitude in the morning b/c that's what we're supposed to to do.. pick ourselves up by the bootstraps. Life is challenging for everyone we have our own crosses to bear, but I still don't understand intentionally putting children in the world with a high potential of dealing with these burdens.

Maybe one day i'll be married, and start my own family and i'll know what the feeling of being in a immediate family truly is like, not just the glimpses I've gotten throughout my lives.

17 comments:

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    1. My first response to that is when you're well taken care of there aren't grounds to get you removed from your home for abuse. Secondly, I'm pursuing an over 18 adoption so I won't be legally tied to them, I don't expect or want anything from them. The purpose of this blog isn't to feel sorry for myself but to show perspective parents that donor babies aren't the best idea for many reasons that one might not be able to forsee. What I have to share with people are my experiences, thoughts and feelings. Links to other sources and information. My hope is to spare other families turmoillmost especially the children. We already have children in this world who need homes. We should be reforming adoption.

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    2. Jessica - I was too harsh earlier but when someone hurts my family, I want to hurt back. Your surrogate mom gave you your BLOG Photo out of love just as she protected you during the entire pregnancy. So you were blessed from the beginning. It was never about the money. We have all had childhoods that could have been different but instead of feeling sorry for ourselves, we pick up ourselves by our boot straps and become stronger from the experience. We choose to give our power away to people whom we think have hurt us. Check out Kahil Gibran - THE PROPHET. It is a very enlighting book.

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    3. The intent of this blog is not to lash out at anyone, or tell a poor me story. I am benefiting in the fact that it is empowering to hopefully be able to reach out to people looking into adopting, vs donor conceived babies.
      I don't fault anyone for my life experience, but isn't that part of the problem. People can come together to create a life without a full awareness of what problems may arise. It's also the lack of rights guaranteed to children created through donation. Shouldn't we have clear legislation on what's acceptable and whats not? Why isn't there a higher push to adopt the children already here? How much are people looking into environmental factors which are exacerbating the infertility issue? Now there are lot more studies, and lot of us products of donor conception are able to share what the experience is like. I'm definitively not sitting here feeling sorry for myself, I'm really grateful to have an opportunity to help spread the awareness of these issues.Being able to do that makes you feel quite the opposite of being a victim.
      Do I hurt, am I still working through issues? Yes, but that is a part of the journey of life. To get through each day learn more, and try to grow as a person. Just because I'm not done with my path doesn't mean I'm choosing to be a victim, or giving my power away.
      I believe that you've spoken to people who are giving you their side of the story, and I feel like judgement has been passed on me without any interest on my side of the story.
      I've already had some people privately message me asking me more about my stories, and sources. That is the entire point of this.
      I just learned this morning that my birth mother doesn't care for that picture being up there. I'm torn, on blurring the faces out or just leaving it up. It's a picture that I'm grateful she shared with me but it's a picture that helps to tell my story. I've not put her, or the names of my bio-dad and adoptive mother up here. I don't think there's any risk of being identified.(Even though it's not a secret, she chose to go on a talk show and discuss her views on surrogacy, as well as being in a magazine article - why wouldn't I be entitled to that same right?) If there is nothing uncomfortable about surrogacy, why would a picture make us uncomfortable? So, I'm torn, I am considering what she's feeling. But I can't consider someone's feelings over my own if they aren't going to consider mine as well.

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  3. Mama i love this and i am so glad you spoke from a place of truth!!! Please keep it up!!!

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  4. You are one of my new heroes! Brave and strong. I'm with you and here for you in the journey.

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    1. It feels great to be able to be able to have a voice in this! Thanks for the platform!!

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  5. So glad you are sharing this, and so proud of you.

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    1. Thanks Rajeev! Thanks for all the support alongthe entire way :).

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    2. You have a lot of guts and courage. There are so many donor concieved children who admittedly say they're afraid to express themselves because of the heat and fear of the angry infertile would-be parents who lash at them, judge them, or pity themselves. You have a stronger backbone than I have! Please keep up with your blogs, and please even consider a YouTube VLOG. A lot of people don't read these days, if they did they would discover these studies, blogs, stories and articles made by the donor conceived already and realize how unfair it is.

      You are a strong inspirational person, and have my deepest respect. Peace :)

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    3. Thanks so much Zoey!! I filmed for a surrogacy documentary that should be coming out in January. I agree with you sometimes it's better to have this information in that format.

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  6. Please dont allow someones feelings to change what you are doing..infertilty has become a commodity to be bought and sold..we need to wrry about all the kids in the world who need families instead of spending 150,000 on haveing a child..if people dont like what you post they dont need to read its that simple like politics not everyone agrees and you can change the channel when you dont agree..keep up the ideas and thoughts you are of your own mind.

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    1. Thank you so much for your words of support!

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  7. Psychological impact of infertility?

    "During interviews, married couples experiencing infertility reported emotional reactions such as sadness, depression, anger, confusion, desparation, hurt, embarassment, and humiliation. Behavioral reactions to infertility included disorganization, distractability, exhaustion, moodiness and obsessive thoughts and behaviors. Participants also described multiple sources of stress and utilized a variety of coping strategies. Implications for social work clinical and research practitioners are discussed."

    In other words these prospective parents are emotionally unstable and make quick judgment and decisions based on these unstable emotions. Yes! Absolutely! There should be psychological evaluations on these parents before giving them a child. But the thing is this: if a big amount of parents who are infertile are this unstable, and clinics had to give kids ONLY to parents who are in their right minds, how much $business$ will the clinics lose?

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    1. I agree with you, it just further showcases the attitude of money entitles you to whatever you want. When it comes to children we as a society should be looking at it completely differently.

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