Quote from the "Son of a Surrogate" Blog

Quote from the "Son of a Surrogate" Blog

It looks to me like I was bought and sold. You can dress it up with as many pretty words as you want. You can wrap it up in a silk freaking scarf. You can pretend these are not your children. You can say it is a gift or you donated your egg to the IM. But the fact is that someone has contracted you to make a child, give up your parental rights and hand over your flesh and blood child. I dont care if you think I am not your child, what about what I think! Maybe I know I am your child.When you exchange something for money it is called a commodity.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

You're here now

I've been encountering more, as I try to explain how products of 3rd party donor conception might feel about the way they were brought into the world, I really am amazed by how blithely the response is you're here, you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for that.
When I hear that one statement, for me it demeans everything that I've gone through. Because for the people who say this, the conversation also ends here. They aren't interested in there being studies to see the effects on the products of surrogacy, the children of the surrogates. They aren't even interested in meeting in the middle and saying, yes perhaps we need to provide egg donors and surrogates, with their own legal counsel not paid for by the intended parents so they can have less biased legal advise. They aren't interested in setting up mandatory psychological testing for for intended parents, although if a child who is already in the world and needs a home, they would be required to go through this.  They certainly don't come across as interested in looking at what happens when the mother child bond gets broken after delivery. I don't see them being interested that the children being created this way should have a right to know who their genetic and birth parents are. I don't see the research getting done in any of these areas. To me it seems that it wouldn't benefit them to do the research because then they would have to admit if they went through with these processes that they would be not considering the child's best interest.

Another thought that I have, is there is a difference between having a life and a quality of life. If you look in the psychiatric world they have levels for survival... basic food and shelter, and then emotional needs would be at the next tier. If one must spend most of their life trying to fix the emotional needs that weren't met, is that really a quality of life? Is that a good reason to create life instead of taking care of the children who are Already here?

6 comments:

  1. Yes!! There is no interest in how the "child" might really think or feel...it's all about the money when it comes to baby-making. The demand is there, so the supply better be there, too.

    Stephanie (the brunette from Anonymous Father's Day)

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    1. I appreciate having been able to hear your story on Anonymous Fathers Day! Thanks to you, and people like you it's not to feel so isolated in the issues that we have to work through. Thanks so much for sharing your story :)

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    2. Hi, three things

      1) I completely agree with EVERYTHING you said

      2) did you hear the recent news about how young surrogate-children have a harder time emotionally than even EGG-donned. To me it really speaks volumes about the primal wound, and how real it really is.

      3) what are your opinions about co-parenting? Here's a gay dad talking about it:

      "Reconciling being gay and wanting
      to be a dad was a major issue for me. I’d always loved kids and the possibility of not being a parent was a major source of unhappiness. I can’t quite remember when I decided that I wouldn’t let it stop me but I do remember the relief when it dawned on me that I could still be a dad.

      For me being a biological parent was really important but I never really considered surrogacy. It was never really an option because of the fact that I really wanted my children to have a full and proper relationship with their mother and I wasn’t in a relationship with anyone to share

      the huge demands of being a parent with. For me it was really clear from the beginning what would work best: an extended family where I would be daddy to my children and share the emotional and financial responsibilities with a lesbian couple.The children would live with their mums but I would have lots of contact with them. I’m a lucky man – I now have three beautiful children in the extended family that I’d dreamt of."

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    3. This fancy co parenting word is just so silly. You have joint custody of your children with their mother who lives elsewhere you pay support and see them regularly. They live primarily with their mother and her spouse (step parent ) or her partner (similar to step parent no legal rights). Your gayness or the mother's lesbian ness is not germane you are not co parents, your just parents. They are being raised and have someone like a step parent. So long as you don't go elevating the ranks of the step parent to something they are not everything should be cool. Your not doing anything other than what a good normal parent is obligated to do. It's healthy. For them to try to hide you and the kid not to receive support from you so they two could be referred to as the kids parents would just be so wrong your kids would have to loose you.

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  2. When someone says that you are here now they are correct. Refuse to engage in conversations about pregnancy, reproductions, intentions or technology anymore and refuse to engage in theoretical conversations about a time before you existed or theoretical conversations about what it might have been if you did not exist. There is no third party reproduction. For every person born there is a couple of parents who were healthy enough to reproduce end of story. We don't care what their story was or who was influencing their reproductive behavior. What we care about is whether people who have offspring all have to follow the same rules or not. If they don't all follow the same rules their offspring are treated unfairly. I reject arguments on our side that reference the pregnancy bond or the bond created between the pregnant woman and child because it ultimately undermines that harm is done by separating a child from his or her bio parents regardless of the parent gender and regardless if the bio parent was pregnant or not. Separation from paternal family is just as much of a loss as separation from maternal family. On paper anyway legally and that is all you need to make your point. Some primal wound stuff can get spun by women who want to raise other women's offspring and think being pregnant makes them a mother and that separation from them would cause primal wound and I say no, because they are not the mother who created them. That profound rejjection from the creator male or female is what matters. Not birth or pregnany. Nobody remembers their mother's pregnancy of them

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    1. "Some primal wound stuff can get spun by women who want to raise other women's offspring and think being pregnant makes them a mother and that separation from them would cause primal wound and I say no, because they are not the mother who created them. That profound rejjection from the creator male or female is what matters. Not birth or pregnany."

      I'm not sure I followed completely are you talking about scenarios where a gestational surrogate might try to keep a child?

      I completely agree with you that the separation from the father is also a deep loss.

      Have you gotten a chance to see "Breeders: A subclass of women?" yet? Not sure if you saw Tanya's story on her daughter being colicky until she got to be with her. I do believe in the primal wound, but I think it's one of those symptoms that's going to vary between people. I read a statistic somewhere that said that children of traditional adoptions 9 of 10 times get diagnosed colicky which I think was 6 or 7 times higher then children getting raised with their biological parent. I read that about two to three years before starting my blog so of course I can't find the information again, which is why I haven't posted it)

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